Here comes the Democratic National Convention, and across our great nation millions of people are preparing for this historic event by making sure they’ve got plenty of movies in their Netflix queues and liquor within easy reach.
Reviewing the long list of speakers, Sandra “Your ceiling needs painting” Fluke will lecture us on taking responsibility and Nancy “Pass it to see what’s in it” Pelosi will wax poetic on transparency. Elizabeth “Chief Running Gag” Warren will describe the challenges facing people who lie about being Native Americans in order to get affirmative action jobs.
Speakers from Planned Parenthood will advocate for poorly planned (and taxpayer funded) unparenthood, Harry Reid will dab a tear from his eye as he calls for an end to partisanship in politics, and John Kerry will scold the Republicans for nominating an evil rich man as Presidential candidate.
American royalty Caroline Kennedy will be carried in by litter-bearers to say we should have a society without classes, Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius will explain how Obamacare’s $716 billion cut in payments to doctors and hospitals will improve health and human services, and Joe Biden will have a humorous debate with an empty chair and lose.
Jimmy Carter (via video) will speak about leadership, Chicago mayor Rahm Emmanuel will talk about his city’s success in creating shovel-ready citizens, and actress Eva Longoria will take the stage to attack the Republicans for putting an actor on stage.
Michelle Obama will lead the convention delegates in singing “Happy Birthday” in honor of her pride in America turning four years old. Bill Clinton will attend to speak about women’s issues (“I’ve got your free mammogram right here”) and dry cleaning.
And of course, Barack Hussein Obama will take the stage to argue against “Change” and try to look surprised when Osama bin Laden’s death photos “accidentally” appear behind him on 50-foot video screens.
It’s going to be a looooooong week.
the “black panther” attorney general, the woman who can’t get off her back,
and the amazing two-faced president! Step right this way!”