I am positively lactating with fury.
Yesterday I heard on the radio that a dip from Canada decided to “rewrite” (and by rewrite, I mean remove two lines of) the Christmas classic ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas. Because of her strong aversion to all things smoking, she removed these lines:
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
As if that wasn’t senseless enough, she added a letter from Santa on the back cover of the book explaining that the fur on his coat and pants is faux, out of respect for animals (especially the polar bears of the North Pole).
Hold me. Someone hold me!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At what point did this tree-hugging twill woman feel it was necessary to censor a 189-year-old piece of literary perfection? Where do you acquire that sort of brazen boldness? And all because Santa smokes a pipe on the one night he has to visit 7 billion houses? If I had his job, I’d probably be smoking quite a bit too, and I can’t promise it would only be tobacco. And furthermore, who smokes from pipes, anyway? Dignified old men with mustaches and pocket watches. That IS Santa, so leave him alone.
Wah wah, tobacco, carcinogens, sob sob sob! Has this woman been working with Michelle Obama? Does she really believe that altering a beautiful children’s classic by removing the words “pipe” and “smoke” is going to deter kids from trying a cigarette in a gas station parking lot at some point in their lives? No, it’s not. I have loved the holidays and ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas and Santa Claus at incredible lengths my whole life and never once did I give two flying figs that Santa smokes from a pipe.
Yes, we should teach kids about the health risks of smoking. But girlfriend took the wrong way to do it, and it’s opening the door to a future of ridiculous Mayor Bloomberg-inspired antics. Stephan Colbert is right… what is it going to be next year? Michelle Obama will make a tax-dollar funded trip to the North Pole to calculate Santa’s BMI? Liberals will warn children that Santa promotes obesity and when Christmas Eve rolls around, they should leave him organic soy milk and bird seed?
And as for his “faux fur” outerwear, all I can say is don’t worry, Santa. We all saw you in those Christmas Coca-Cola commercials. We know that your gift from those polar bears every year is their beautiful white fur. That’s what’s really happening to them.
It beats the story of global warming, anyway.