That Pacifier Better be Made from a 100% Natural, South American Rubber Tree!

Remember when I said that I wanted to be nicer about people’s concern for environmental issues? That my immediate instinct is to not care and that one of my New Year’s resolutions should be to change my attitude? Well, I retract that statement.

Yes, on January 3rd.

But how can I not, when I read crusty stories about the lengths Americans go to to avoid anything that might have the slightest trace of anything NOT completely natural and “safe”? Your baby’s onesie is not made out of 100% Egyptian organic cotton fibers? You have pillows in your house that are not made from soybean protein byproducts? You gave your child a granola bar with HIGH-FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP in it??!!!! Don’t you all know what this means?!

Um. Nothing maybe?

Yesterday I read a moronic mommy blog and the writer was expressing her deep concern over her kids getting their face painted at a carnival. She actually spent the time wondering about the “toxic chemicals” lurking in the paint and seeping into her kids’ skin and gosh darn it, doesn’t that clown doing the painting know how close he is painting to their eyes??!!

I’ve heard about crunchy-ass parents who refuse to serve cake at their kids’ birthday parties or let their kids go sledding or swim in swimming pools. There are people who don’t buy juice boxes or hairspray and say pregnant women shouldn’t pump gas and equate baby formula to arsenic. How did this happen??!!! Haven’t people been having babies and raising kids since, I don’t know, the beginning of time?! I don’t think my grandpa or any of his eleven siblings used bamboo toothbrushes with tea plant bristles and they all turned out perfectly fine. And I’m sure back in the day, most of them probably didn’t even brush their teeth.

I drank out of baby bottles that were probably dripping with BPA, learned how to ride a bike without a helmet, and would spend entire summers barefoot. I would marinate myself in chlorinated pools and hot tubs, eat Twinkies and Happy Meals, and lick every last speckle of red dye #40 off of Fruit Roll-Ups. And I think my life was better for all of it.

I so wish that all children can enjoy childhood without an irrational fear of anything outside the vicinity of Whole Foods. Kids, enjoy that lovely, carefree time of just being little. Eat donuts for breakfast, play with plastic toys, climb trees, eat earthworms, and don’t ever for a moment let adults scare you out of any of those delightful pastimes.

Just don’t eat lead paint chips. That might be bad.

About Emily

I, Emily, am the opposite of green! Visit my blog: What is the Opposite of Green?
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2 Responses to That Pacifier Better be Made from a 100% Natural, South American Rubber Tree!

  1. BC says:

    Lol – Emily’s stuff makes me squirt tears – I don’t know if is really that funny or if it just strikes ME as funny?

    She is like Stilton. For a long time I didn’t read his Hope n’ Change Cartoons when he was posting on Conservative Blogs Central, but when I finally did I almost busted a gut. Now I look forward to every thing he puts out.

    I think she is that good…

  2. Jimmy Z says:

    NOW I know why I’m all !?*%@! up! But seriously, great article. Shared on FB.

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