The Food Police are Birthday Fun Squelchers

I’m sorry for not being sorry that I am going to blog about the food police of America once again. I would rather soak in a tub of bile than have to share my opinions about these Michelle Obama-clones, but how can I not, when I continue to be made privy to the most ridiculous things I have ever heard?

This author of this blog is horrified at the idea of kids bringing in cupcakes to school in celebration of their birthdays. Because duh, there is nothing quite as horrifying as a cupcake!

I read enough mommy blogs to know that this green fad has infiltrated American homes and playgrounds at unhealthy levels and that housewives love to feel that their kids are the healthiest, most uncontaminated darlings on the planet. And although I make fun of these parents, I will give them a break, because usually the act of feeding their kids organic agave citrus granola out of BPA-free bowls is done in their OWN homes.

But this woman is flapping her piehole (is the word “piehole” appropriate to use here? Or am I contributing to childhood obesity because I am mentioning pie?) through her children’s school district to ban ALL birthday treats because the mere thought of kids and sugar together sends her stuffy, health-nutty world into a tailspin. Cake made of white flour and eggs from a factory farm!!!!!!! Frosting just oozing with trans fats and food coloring that will make my child hyperactive!!!!!!! What could these educators be thinking allowing this and gosh golly, these kids would be just as happy celebrating with dehydrated vegetables and hummus, wouldn’t they??!!!

I can’t possibly fathom the inner-workings of someone so irritatingly self-righteous that she has to snatch away all innocent, fun birthday traditions from not just her own kids, but all her kids’ classmates as well. Who does she think she is? These kids are bringing cupcakes to school, not crack pipes. Obesity is not caused by the 20 days out of a 180-day school year where a child gets to excitedly celebrate their own special day. And if they choose to do so with sugar, even better. I’m not saying they need truckloads of it, but for realz!

Lesson of the day: fun people like cupcakes. Boring people try to ban them.

About Emily

I, Emily, am the opposite of green! Visit my blog: What is the Opposite of Green?
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